Other Mind
by Arithion
Summary: This is a sidefic to Smile. Tezuka's thoughts during the story - First one starts around chapter 15ish, and finishes around when Smile does. 13 parts.
1. Other Mind

**Title**: _Smile Sidefic … Other Mind_

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: G  
**Genre**: Introspective… bit of angst

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Sidefic/drabble to smile  
**Summary**: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up… Tez's thoughts during some of the happenings in Smile.

**Warning**_:_ Shonen ai ish hints and stuff… Um… yes…

Smile Sidefic: Other Mind

Do you really want him, or do you just think you're falling? Like the cascade of a waterfall, jumping, twisting, turning… never knowing what's at the bottom, because those evanescent pearls of water have never been there… and will never have the freedom to return again. They'll be pulled along with the current, torn away from their partners who cling to the memory of tumbling into the abyss, while at the same time forced together, moulded, pressed together, to become one and survive.

Is this what we are? Is this how we are? Is this all we can be?

It is all I can think of, and all I want to say, yet at the same time, nothing I can bring past my lips. Every time it is like this. The touch, the sensations he awakes in me… the dreams he gives me whether my eyes are open or not. I feel trapped, and yet I'll gladly throw away the key just to ensnare him here with me.

But he isn't that type of person, and frankly neither am I. With the flash of a smile and the crinkle of his eyes, he shuts me out the same way I keep him at bay. It'd never do for me to let him know how I feel, and I know him well enough to realise that he feels the same way.

That smile is something that bothers me; it eats at me and makes me wish it gone. I don't understand how the person he is can have such a hollow parody of his true self as a mask. And yet, at the same time I'm aware of just why he would need such a barrier. That he doesn't need it around me that often anymore, is something that tells me where we stand with each other.

Emotions are something that bare your soul, and they're something I cant really afford; not around anyone else but him, because he can see past me, to me, through me. A gift, but at the same time a curse, and yet I can't bring myself to reject it, because I know that he wouldn't offer it to anyone else. I am his chance, just as he is my salvation, whether he realises it or not.

I can't be this pillar without him; I won't have the foundations, the strength. Silence is golden, but his silence is serenely beautiful, comforting… simply him. Sleeping beside me, he seems so peaceful and perfect, but I know that just like me… he is not, and yet it somehow makes him all the _more_ perfect.

No matter how hard I look, I can't see the faults, because they aren't really faults, they are parts of him that make the whole… that make him who he is, not to everyone perhaps, but to me and that is all I care about.

There are so many things on my mind, so many things I should be thinking about, and yet somehow he always manages to intrude on those thoughts. And I figure that as long as he and I are the only ones who know this, then things are fine the way they are.

~~**~~

Short, sweet and came pouring out when I was trying to write chapter 15 heh… yeah…

Feedback appreciated…


	2. Rain

**Title**: Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Rain

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: T  
**Genre**: Introspective… bit of angst

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Second sidefic/drabble to smile  
**Summary**: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up… Sidefic to Chapter 17 of Smile.

**Warning**_:_ um mild mild yaoi… I guess… Tezuka's brain… well, one part of it anyhu. It's just a baby drabble … so it's short!

**Smile Sidefic: Other Mind: Rain**

The ability to fly is something humans as a species haven't been granted. Yet we've never been satisfied with that which we do not have, and so we seek to overcome our weaknesses, by supplementing nature. Still, a silver bird in the sky doesn't give us that thrill, that feeling, the freedom of what flight is for the beings nature has granted that privilege.

Skydiving is the closest we can come. Jumping out one of those metal contraptions in the sky and letting ourselves fall. With the wind rushing at your face and the ground nearing at an alarming rate, it's the parachute that allows us that freedom, that release. Yes, it's the closest thing to flying that a human can come.

At least, that's what I thought until I kissed him.

It sounds strange and it doesn't sound like me, even when I say the words in my own head. But touching him, tasting him, and just feeling him… it's like something I've never experienced, never thought I could have. It's something new for both of us, something I don't want to push upon him, but it was the only thing I culd think of.

Standing there, dripping wet, looking at me. Those eyes so haunted, his skin so pale, and the words that he spoke… how can any one person have that much self loathing held inside? It makes me angry at his brother, and the things he doesn't understand. It made me angry at that Mizuki, for pushing Fuji to being the person he truly hated.

Cruel? No, I would never say he was cruel. He has a sense of right and wrong, a sense of ingrained protectiveness for those people whom he cares about. I think I belong to those people, at least, I hope I do.

All I was thinking, was to stop what he was saying. The words are cruel but the sentiment behind them is downright despair. He is reaching out without knowing it, he is what I need to balance me, to give me something other than my _duties_ to concentrate on.

The kiss is everything I thought it would be, it's soft and gentle and he tastes… uniquely Fuji. I still ask myself how I've dared this, how did I bring myself to drown out his words and his doubts by kissing him. But he clings to me, and I realise that he really does need me as much as I need him.

How have we come to this, to where we are, standing in the rain now? I have no idea, but if I'm honest… I wouldn't change it for the world.

~~**~~

Yeah well, what can I say. Tez can be very persuasive when he wants to let people know what he's thinking.

Feedback adored, hope you liked it.


	3. Seasons

**Title**: _Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Seasons_

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: G  
**Genre**: Introspective… bit of angst

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Third sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place shortly before Chapter 20.  
**Summary**: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up…yet again.

**Warning**_:_ um mild mild yaoi… I guess… Tezuka's brain… well, one part of it anyhu. It's just a baby drabble … so it's short!

**Other Mind:**

**Seasons**

Seasons are fleeting, ever changing, yet predictable. In some ways this is something that can be applied to almost all things in life, because inherent in everything there is a pattern if time is taken to look close enough to find it. Some are more difficult than others to find, and yet it is those that can be the most rewarding.

Those patterns can be, just like the seasons, calm and warm, tempestuous and unpredictable, sweet and serene, beautiful and sometimes, sometimes they can be ugly. And just like the seasons, those patterns have to be accepted for what they are in the picture of the whole.

It's what I see when I look at him; the whole.

It's hard to get out of the bed with him draped over me the way he is, with him leaning on me the way he is… the way I want him to. But it is manageable, so manage it I do. Yumiko will be here in a few minutes, and I spare the time to hope that he won't be angry with me for what I've taken the chance of doing.

When she arrives, I'm already waiting, not wanting a doorbell to wake him quite yet. Yesterday was tiring for both of us, but more so for him. I would protect him from everything if I could, if he wanted me to, if it meant that I wouldn't lose him. I've known him too long however, and realise there is only so much he will let even me do. I hope I'm not crossing the line.

I'm careful with the cameras. They are his pride and joy, his heart and passion, his weakness, although I am fairly sure he never wanted me to realise the latter. Or maybe he did somewhere deep down, maybe one day I'll find out.

I know he'll feel bad when he wakes, because that is the person he is. He'll never admit it, but his conscience is more prominent than he realises. Sometimes I think he might be a little too much like me, but I dismiss that thought, because it's better not to dwell on things that I can't change.

My mind slips back to the kiss, the second kiss. I hadn't been expecting it, and hoped that he wouldn't regret it. I don't think I could handle it if he did. Wanting and needing someone the way I need him, the way I need to lean even though he probably doesn't realise that I do it. I think it might break me if he acts as if everything's the same.

I've never been a person to show what I feel, to show that I care; yet I find that I don't need to be obvious about it to him, because he understands me. It is such a relief to be understood, to be comfortable, to not have to _say_ things in order to get my point across.

He's the seasons I understand, the reasons I need, and the pattern I can weave with my own. He's the risk I took, the risk I am taking, because when it comes to Fuji Syusuke, there isn't anything I consider too much.

~~**~~

Yeah well, there he goes again *sighs* I hope this makes Chapter 20 a little more… coherent…

Feedback loved and appreciated…


	4. Tide

**Title**: _Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Tide_

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: PG-ish  
**Genre**: Introspective… bit of angst

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Fourth sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place during 22  
**Summary**: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up…yet again…

**Warning**_:_ um mild mild shonen ai… I guess… Tezuka's brain… well, one part of it anyhu. It's just a baby drabble … so it's short!

**Dedication**: Leth sansillion … because I'm still in swooning, and I don't think I've said Thank you enough.

**Other Mind: Tide**

At first glance the tide is simple. It's an ebb and flow of water, largely dependent on the moon, an evolving ever constant current that can drag you under if you get caught in its rip. This force of nature appears beautiful when observed from a distance; beautiful and serene. But upon closer examination a lot of things become clear.

The tide is anything but a simple ebb and flow. Even if the moon's pull is predominating, the tide's influences are many. Gravitational pull of the sun and the moon; the seasonal differences, attraction and repulsion, rotating axis and diametric opposition; there is so much more to the tide when you really try to find out.

Yet, the moon exerts a subtle control, its gravitational force more than double that of the sun. That control is fine and not always definite. Sometimes it's almost as if the tide rebels, struggling to break out on its own, struggling to find definition.

But the moon and its tide are inextricably linked, and hopelessly intertwined.

Sometimes I wonder if what we have is healthy, and then I realise I've gone beyond caring.

The way he feels against me, so soft, so warm, so accepting. It's something I've never had. Perhaps some would say that's because I never sought it, and I wouldn't argue with them, because I didn't seek this either. It's something I never thought I would want.

Everything in my life is controlled, everything I do; everything I aim for, everything I want. All except him, that is. Those eyes suck me in and pull me under, that touch washes over me and makes me want to drown in him. It's all I can do to concentrate on things I should be concentrating on _when_ I should be concentrating on them. But when those things are done, he never leaves my mind. It's like he was waiting in the wings for my time to be his again.

I don't think he knows it, and as I kiss him now, I realise I wasn't the only person my actions took by surprise. I'm not a person to give into things I can't control; yet this…this is so much more than I thought it would be. Friendship is one thing. This is more; this is better.

My touch can make him moan, so softly, and it's something I delight in finding out. When it's just the two of us, he lets me in; he lets him be himself. I only wish I could show him who I am, but at the best of times I'm not even sure myself.

So I let him see the only me I can be; calm, and in control. Yet right now, how I wish I could lose it, like a tide that clashes, defying the control the moon exerts.

His skin is soft, his hair silken, and his fingers trace patterns over my skin in a way I wouldn't have thought him capable of.

Sometimes I think I'm about to lose my restraint, but I know that me even less, and it almost scares me, so I don't. Maybe I won't like that me, but more importantly, maybe Fuji won't.

Next to him, like this, with him like this, I still can't believe I dared. Ebb and flow around an axis I can't define. It's what we are, it's what we make, but it's our own tide, because I definitely don't think we're predictable.

And for some reason, I think that's what I like.

~~**~~

Well yet another Tez drabble…even though the bastard insisted I make sure I had my tidal references right…*grumbles about being made to do light research for a fricking drabble*

Hope you liked it! Feedback is lurved!!!


	5. Polarities

**Title**: _Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Polarities_

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: G  
**Genre**: Introspective… bit of angst

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Fifth sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place end of 23 to beginning 24  
**Summary**: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up…yet again…

**Warning**_:_ um mild mild shonen ai, angsty stuff.… I guess… Tezuka's brain… well, one part of it anyhu. It's just a baby drabble … so it's short!

**Dedication**: Leth sansillion … because she somehow knows what I'm thinking when I write, and it's almost scary…but just almost

**Other Mind: Polarities**

Magnetism is an interesting concept. The magnet's strength is essentially concentrated in it's centre. Like a core, like the foundation upon which the rest of it leans, its north and its south poles can never be isolated, because even if cut it in half, the core will remain the same. Two different pieces with the properties it had before, simply smaller pieces. These pieces could be cut down, torn apart, and all but destroyed and yet no matter how insignificant the magnet appears, it will always have it's two poles.

When the opposite poles of two pieces are placed together, they attract, and the magnet snaps back together. Depending on how strong these inner poles are, depends on how easy it is to pull them apart again. Sometimes, it might be easier to believe that the magnet was never rendered into pieces in the first place.

But it's all too easy to be convinced otherwise if the ends that are placed together have the same pole, that same inner working facing another of like kind. The stronger they are, the more they repel, and no matter how hard they're pushed, they'll never meld together easily.

Maybe that's why I shouldn't push him, because he can be as stubborn as I can.

The hurt in his eyes when I utter those words, when I tell him I don't want him to waste potential. It's enough to make me wish I could read his mind, just sometimes. What he's saying is enough to make me wish I hadn't said anything in the first place, but then that wouldn't be me, and I know he knows that somewhere behind the hurt.

I want to touch him, I want to reach out to him, but can't because he tells me not to.

When the door closes behind him, I wish that for once he would stop running away; that he would stop hiding. Then I realise that's quite hypocritical of me. Do I not do exactly the same thing? Just how much of what I demand of him, do I give back to him?

That's a sobering thought, and so I sit in the kitchen, not quite knowing how to make this better, not quite sure if he'll want me to. And still I don't understand how he can let what he could become waste away the way he does. If I had even a tenth of that potential…yet I don't, so there is no need to dwell.

Just when I think we understand each other, something happens that leaves us repelling each other instead of attracting the way that we usually do. Is that my fault or is it his? Or, just like most things in this world, does it really take the two of us, regardless of good intentions?

Fuji isn't a simple person, and neither am I. I know this, he knows this, and yet we are stubborn enough to try. These are the thoughts that run through my head, as I try to piece together just how to go about this. It's not in either of us to apologise, it's not in either of us to back down, not really.

I believe what I said to him, and yet it hurts that I hurt him. I wonder if he can see that…

There is a knock at the door that surprises me, and I realise as I go to open it, that more time has passed than I thought.

What I see when I open it, leaves me to want to re-examine my reasoning. And I realise, that we're both strong, and even though we're able to push each other away with an amazing force, we are all the stronger for it when we come full circle.

The only force that can tear us apart is ourselves, and then only if we let it.

Somehow I know that he's accepted this, and as he walks through the door, I suddenly find it good that we are just as stubborn as each other.

~~**~~

Well I'm not sure about this one lol… simply because it was going to be something else and then Tez insisted on Polarities… yes… well

Hope you liked it! Feedback is greatly appreciated!


	6. Gravity

**Title**: Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Gravity

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: G  
**Genre**: Introspective… bit of angst

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Fifth sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place end of 25  
**Summary**: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up…yet again…

**Warning**_:_ um mild mild shonen ai, angsty stuff.… I guess… Tezuka's brain… well, one part of it anyhu. Contemplative! It's just a baby drabble … so it's short!

**Other Mind: Gravity**

Gravity is not gravitation. There is a difference. Gravitation is the force of two things attracting each other. This attraction is directly proportional to the product of their masses, which could be seen in a variety of different ways, or perhaps, none at all. Universal gravitation refers to the unavoidable fact that everything, even down to the loneliest mite or the smallest dust particle, experiences the gravitational force.

In a way it leaves room for thought. Does that mean that two things, two objects, two beings, are really drawn together, or are they only attracted to each other due to factors outside their control, which they are not even aware of? Does this gravitation apply to what is inside said mass as well? So many questions, yet a lifetime to let the answers evade acquisition.

Gravity is the force of the earth tugging subtly at everything around it, pulling them in, and almost devouring them. Yet in the end, it simply melds things to its way, and itself. Gravity is what lets us walk easily, it's what makes us fall from the sky when we jump from a plane, and it's what tears us apart if the parachute fails.

The distinction is fine, but it's there.

And I wonder just which one Fuji is.

Sometimes it feels like I'm about to crush down against him and lose any sanity I've managed to maintain, and other times I feel like we move together. Is that a delusional way to see things? His words, those eyes and the way he continually conceals what he knows and thinks, they're like a centrifugal force making me want to see more, to know more, and to ultimately have more.

Yet, at the same time, I just want to reach out, to be drawn in and not crushed, to touch, to explore, to know.

And that's why he surprises me. With an uncanny ability to see me, and figure me out. An ability I don't think anyone else will ever have. We are so alike, it is sometimes scary, and yet, it only makes me look forward to sharing space with him. He draws me to him, with that lulling smile, like he knows what's going on in my head, and maybe he does. It would be nice, because sometimes I haven't the faintest.

It's confusing, almost whirling, making me lose sight of the more stressful things in my life. No, not permanently, nor even for long, but just for time enough to make me remember that I'm still a child, even if I haven't been one at heart for so very long.

He's my medicine, my salvation and the particle I float to. His gravitational field encompasses me the way I need and want him to. And the kiss that lingers on my lips as he pushes me unexpectedly into the wall, answers any doubts I had still had as to his own true feelings.

As we fall to the bed, it feels like our bodies are meshing, like they're becoming one, and I wonder briefly, just for a second, if that means we would be one force and still attract others. Suddenly I don't want him to attract others, nor others to attract him, because right now I don't know what I'd do without him. Such an integral part of my life, such a vital part of my world, I don't think Fuji realises just how much influence he exerts to what I am.

His touches are hesitant, but grow bolder, and it's all I can do to close my eyes and moan at the feelings he elicits in me.

Whether gravitation or gravity, it doesn't matter. He pulls me to him, just as much as we draw each other in. And just to myself, I don't think I'd mind him being my earth, because he's a force of nature I gladly deal with.

~~**~~

*cough* well, yeah, there we go. Hope you liked it.

Sorry it took so long! Feedback given a good home!


	7. Excavation

**Title**: Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Excavation

**Author**: Arithion

**Rating**: G

**Genre**: Introspective… bit of angst

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Seventh sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place end of 28 of Smile...

**Summary**: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up…as per bloody usual…

**Warning**: um mild mild shonen ai, angsty stuff.… almost sweet and sappy gah! oh and it's short because all of these are!

**Other Mind: Excavation**

Excavation is an art. To seek, to dig, to look beyond, to live and breath the atmosphere of the site, and to discover what's underneath. There is tolerance, patience and an overpowering passion required for this work in order to make it the reward it can be.

The results gained from what can sometimes be a long and arduous task, are more than rewarding. They show the world something that was hidden for the longest time, something sealed away by the winds of change and the sands of the ages. Maybe there was a reason for this, maybe there wasn't.

Through layer upon layer of dust and dirt, digging down beneath the surface to find that which is certainly there, is an excitement all on it's own. There's an adrenaline that belongs there, the wish to find and draw out the treasures concealed underneath. It's all relative to what is being excavated, all relevant to what might just be discovered.

Overall, the sense of revealing something that was hidden before is more satisfying than can be imagined.

Just like that sense of accomplishment, pride and comfort I get when I know I've seen what's underneath that smile, underneath the mask.

He's more fragile than he lets on, that he lets anyone but me see. Sometimes I'm not even sure about the let part, because he manages to hide so well, that I think what I see isn't any intention on his behalf, but sinmply because I have come to know him so well.

Of course, he also knows me. And I have no idea how that came about. Tearing down my defences has never been an easy thing for me to do. They're the brick and mortar built up over the years to hold that which I deem important together, to make me not forget the things I have set out to do. Yet, he sees through this, and makes me occasionally, just for a little while, try and remember that I'm not yet an adult.

The way he moves as he climbs that wall, the way his entire being manages to flow, is beyond me. Rarely does he take something seriously and more often than not, you brush away at what appears to be the final layer, only to find that there are more underneath. Those layers are more complex than the ones before... and far more subtle.

Because if there is one thing Fuji Syusuke is, it's sublte.

Every word he speaks, and every breathe he takes has a purpose that is known only to him. He plays games with the best of them, and more often than not, they have nothing to do with tennis. Easily bored, I find it hard to believe that I have managed to capture his interest for as long as I have. Maybe one day I won't anymore, but as he is so fond of reminding me, I am a teenager, and I am allowed to have a teenager's dreams.

He descends the wall, and just as I thought, he never really needed me to belay him at all. He took to climbing as he takes to everything else; with a bored ease, and a lazy smile. I can see that he's happy, genuinely happy, and it makes me proud to know I am the only person who knows this. It makes me proud to know that I am the only person who knows him.

Unlike the excavation of ancient cities, I only wish to know what lies behind that smile, underneath the layers, and inside of Fuji, and I don't want to share that knowledge with anyone else. It might take patience, but I can do that; it might take tolerance, but I can manage that; and it does take passion, which, for Fuji, I have in abundance.

~~**~~

There we go... another one down, one more drabble to go before Tez's side has caught up to Fuji's hehe

Hope you liked it a little. Feedback appreciated!


	8. Fire

**Title**: Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Fire

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: G  
**Genre**: Introspective… bit of angst

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Fifth sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place end of 30  
**Summary**: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up…yet again…

**Warning**_:_ um mild mild shonen ai, angsty stuff.… I guess… Tezuka's brain… well, one part of it anyhu. Contemplative! It's just a baby drabble … so it's short!

**Other Mind - Fire**

Fire is dangerous and yet even as children we are fascinated by it. It's light is deceptive and its warmth is but a taste, a glimpse of what it truly is. It will let you touch it, feel it's heat and warm yourself at it if you are cold. The flickering light reflects off many surfaces, making the shadows dance in ways that amuse children and adults alike. It's uses are many and it's origins obscured. Man made fire is a force enough on it's own, but add to it the fuel it needs; the oxygen, the air and the wood, and it's a force of nature to be reckoned with.

Fire can tear through your life, rip away that which you have so carefully built up around you and lay you bare to have to rebuild everything from scratch. Yet it still enthrals us, draws us in, giving us that amazing view, that amazing feeling of heat, of almost understanding, almost being close enough to touch.

But if you touch it, if you actually dare to put your hand into the fire, you'll get burnt. And we should all know better than to let ourselves be burnt.

And I should know better than to give him a reason to burn me.

Yet sometimes he drives me to distraction, sometimes he is so self serving I don't think he realises it. Maybe self serving is the wrong word when it involves his brother, but there is no way I can think to describe the relationship they seem to have. Yuuta is very obviously not fond of his brother, and yet Fuji seems to believe that it is his responsibility to watch out for his younger sibling.

Perhaps I shouldn't talk about something I really don't know about, really cant know about, considering I am an only child. Yet at the same time, does he have to let so much revolve around the younger brother? Of course, there could be something I don't know, but I fail to see the logic behind his preoccupation with protecting his younger brother anyway.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'd like to think he could be even half as serious about tennis, about school-work, and about me. It makes me not want to understand where he's coming from, makes me want to tell him to focus that formidable energy he has on something that isn't trivial, but who am I to judge what is trivial for him and what is not.

All I know is that I resent the fact that the only time he seems to get serious about his game of tennis, is when someone who has hurt or beaten Yuuta, needs to be beaten, at least in Fuji's opinion. Is that the only thing he can get inspiration from, is it the only thing that drives him? Does he simply think that by thrashing those who have beaten Yuuta soundly enough, he will maintain the ability to do so?

And so this is a point in time when I do not know how I feel, except for that I feel disappointment and something else, something I don't think I want to define. All I know is that I'm sharing him in this moment, if indeed it can be called that. All I know is his attention isn't mine, isn't focused on me, and I find myself resenting that.

I can't look at him while I speak those words. The subject has been taboo between us for as long as I have known him, and I cant bear to see the look in his eyes, the shock, those cerulean orbs open wide even though we are standing in a school hall. So I close my eyes briefly, trying not to let the pained annoyance I feel cross my features. Yet he knows me too well, and I am sure he can see it. So, I walk away.

He speaks to me, in a voice that is tight, cunning and calculated to do exactly what he manages. Just as I know him well enough to hurt him with well aimed phrases, he can do the same, and I know, in that moment, that I have let him get to close. Because the words he use cut deeper than anything else anyone else has ever said to me.

It is with pure strength of will that I manage to continue walking, that I manage to move away from him and continue on to where I should already be.

"You'll lose…"

They are words I wish he'd never uttered. They are words I know that he is aware have been running through my head ever since the draw.

And as I walk down the hall, they ring so true, it's almost like a prophecy. Yet I don't feel chilled, instead, I feel burnt.


	9. Turbulence

Title: Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Turbulence

Author: Arithion  
Rating: G  
Genre: Introspective…

Pairing: Tez/Fuji

Chapter: Fifth sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place during 34  
Summary: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up…yet again…

_Warning:_ um none?

Other Mind:

Turbulence

Flying isn't something for everyone. Not the actual sort of flying, but the flying like one of our man made metal birds in the sky. There are so many dangers, so many possibilities and so many things that can go wrong. Turbulence is one of the things that can make even the hardiest person scream if it hits with enough force. The thing is, despite all of the technology we possess in this day and age, there is still very little understanding as to what turbulence actually is.

Systems of millions of particles are its characteristics. Its unpredictability a large factor in the confusion it throws most of the scientific world into. There seems to be no logic behind what turbulence is, and yet we know enough to be wary of and careful of it. The very nature of it causes unease and dissention in those that experience it. There are contributing factors no one but the phenomenon itself is aware of. It isn't possible to plan around it, therefore we must adapt to it, taking it into consideration.

With Fuji, I tend to forget that.

There is no way to tell what mood he is in, what his motivations are, or who he is just by looking at him. Behind that smile he hides his world, offering a tantalising glimpse to those who would be interested, letting it pass in a fleeting moment that is pure irritation to those affected.

As I watch him play, I can't pretend to understand the multitude of reasonings he seems to need, but I do know that he has them. The expression on his face is one I don't think I've ever seen before. Almost predatory are the blue of those eyes, and I can't help but hope that he never looks at me that way.

Everything is uncertain, simply because it is Fuji. Not the win, no, I don't even doubt for a second that he will win, but just the way he will win. He has a tendency to play each game for specific reasons he and he alone knows, so I am not sure just how far he will go this time. Watching, it becomes clear that he has a different reason for playing here than he did against St. Rudolph and somehow I breathe easier.

Yet, there is a side of Fuji I am not sure makes me comfortable. It's a side I sometimes get the feeling he doesn't want me to see, and I'm not sure I want to see it. There is a ruthless air about him, to hurt, to control, and to humiliate, and it's almost cruel. Although I believe that Fuji isn't fully capable of being cruel, I somehow still do not wish to test my theory.

He observes, focuses, and closes in on any and every weakness his opponent has, and for a second I almost find the time to feel faintly sorry for Jirou, just not quite. At the same time, Fuji refuses to leave even a glimmer of what his weaknesses could be. A cool, calm, chilling efficiency, which makes me debate the wisdom of pushing him, but only for a second.

I wish he could stand in my place and watch himself, because to watch him like this, to see what he is when he isn't worried about not being an expectation, is an amazing sight to behold. There is a determination that settles over him, something I would call compelling instead charismatic, because of the taste of danger almost tangible.

Every shot is calculated, every move is precise. In the space of two games he knows his opponent probably better than the other boy knows himself, and it is all done purely by instinct. He assesses what he sees and immediately adapts his style to that knowledge. I feel a shiver run up my spine as I watch the swift way he despatches his opponent.

Just like turbulence, Fuji is unsettling, unpredictable and an almost unreadable phenomenon. He blinks and the focus is suddenly gone as he smiles at something someone says, yet he won't look at me, and I don't really mind right now.

As I make my way to warm up the fleeting thought crosses my mind. It's probably a good thing that I didn't put us in the same block in the last ranking tournament, because suddenly, after everything we've shared, I'm not sure how I'd go about facing the him he refuses to let me see.

~~**~~

There we go…

Hope you enjoyed it… feedback appreciated


	10. Dream

**Title**: Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Dream

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: G  
**Genre**: Introspective…

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Tenth sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place during Smile Chapter 35  
**Summary**: Tez's mind throughout the course of Smile…

**Warning**: Bit longer because Tez kinda has more to say about this chapter lol… considering it's his Hyotei match…

**Other Mind: Dream**

Just what is a dream? Is it really those fleeting thoughts that flitter through the mind when asleep, never stopping, always remaining just out of reach? The way it teases, the way it taunts with something longed for and wanted with such intensity that it can sometimes hurt, that is what true cruelty is. Does a person have to be asleep to dream, or can they make a waking goal a dream too?

Do these dreams, these goals; do they define who we are? Is a person bound to those dreams in a way sleep is bound to the body? That floating falling feeling that stops just before the ground is reached, stops just before the impact that could mean death; what does it truly mean, and just where is that world?

When a goal is dreamed of, does it also go to that same place where the probability of its success is significantly diminished? Because, don't they say that what you dream will never come true? Does everyone dream, or are some just content to watch the world pass them by, never reaching out, never daring to even brush against the things that they want for fear of failure or pure lack of belief in themselves.

I am not like that, I cannot _be_ like that, I couldn't be like that even if I tried. It makes me wonder about Fuji, because I can't see his dreams, his hopes or what he aspires to, and I wonder if he has any, I wonder what he feels.

But that is something I don't have time for, not right now. This is a time I need for myself, and I can draw strength from the fact that I know he is there, I know he is watching, and I know, even if I can't see him care about anything else, he cares about me.

This is a match I have to win; it is a match I have to play. There is a brake on my dream, my waking, real dream that I need to remove. If I don't do this, if I don't try to overcome my handicap, if I don't push it so I know just how much of a disadvantage it gives me, then I may never be able to pursue my dream.

As Fuji would say, I am a teenager. Maybe he is right, maybe I should act it more often. Yet, there is so much I want to achieve, there is so much I want to do, and there are so many opportunities if I just take them. If I let them slide, even one of them, who knows just when I might get another? Things aren't served on a silver platter; it's one of the things my father taught me, one of the only things. You need to work hard for what it is that you wish to achieve, and I plan on doing exactly that, but first, I need to know my limits.

I can feel my shoulder ache. It isn't my elbow, because that has healed, that healed a while ago, and I've known this all along. But when you compensate for something, even unconsciously, it will put stress on another part, another tendon, another muscle. It's not a painful ache, but a warning ache, and I simply need to know.

It's amazing how piercing those blue eyes can be when he opens them. I can feel them, as if they're boring through me, and I know he knows, and I wish I could have told him. Fuji is someone who guards his privacy jealously, and in letting me in, he expects the same from me. Try as I might though, I don't always manage it, and I know there will be repercussions from this. A second is all I can spare that thought though, because right now the fight isn't between myself and Atobe, but with myself alone.

I need to know, I need to push and I need to see just what my dreams are made of. Are they real? Are they attainable? Have I been deluding myself all along?

Some people might try to push blame on the person who injured them, but I am not some people. I am Tezuka Kunimitsu, and I damn proud to be who I am. Life happens, anger is a part of human nature, and violence is a tendency not reigned in often enough. I refuse to describe myself as a victim, because I refuse to be one, but I will find out just how much of my dream is a foolish fantasy, no matter what it costs me.

Just because the racket falls doesn't mean this is over. I don't want to listen; I don't want to hear, because if I look at him, I might just admit that he is right. The pain is numb now, like the hinge of a door gone too long without oil, and I'm surprised no one can hear it creak.

His eyes follow me onto the court, but I won't look, because I can't. I need all my concentration for this, for this one last push, and Fuji is, and always has been a distracting presence for me. So, as long as I don't look, I can maintain control.

It's harder than I thought, neck and neck in a way I wouldn't have contemplated. If it isn't possible for me to play a long match, then there is no space for a dream like mine. In the real world, the world of serious tennis, a one set game is a joke. I refuse to be a joke; I refuse to relinquish what might be salvaged, even though it looks worse and worse as the time goes by.

My shot will miss, I know this as I hit the ball, the game is not mine. I don't know how to act with the loss, because I never lose. There is a first time for everything I guess. The pain is a dull heat, an almost burning sensation, not the kind of burning sensation I get when Fuji touches me, yet, I wonder if he'll ever want to again.

I kept something from him, something painful, something big, and I know he very likely won't appreciate it. But, right now, I find myself deciding to worry about that later.

Right now my dream is fading, and there is this amazing emptiness inside me, because I don't know what I am without this dream. Maybe Fuji was right that day not long ago… maybe, without tennis, maybe I'm nothing at all.

~~**~~

Well that's the longest Tez drabble so far… almost not even a drabble LOL

Anyhu… hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is lurved!


	11. Reflection

**Title**: _Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Reflection_

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: G  
**Genre**: Introspective…

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Tenth sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place during Smile Chapter 39/40  
**Summary**: Tez's mind throughout the course of Smile…

**Warning**: Nothing really… just SmileTezness and angst and shit…

**Other Mind: Reflection**

A reflection is technically the return of a wave from a surface that it strikes into the medium through which it has travelled. Whether it be of sight or sound, the general principles are similar. They travel, usually, in straight lines and are wave phenomena. Reflection of sound goes by a different name, but that is currently of no concern. What is is what a reflection can entail.

Colours are dependant on just how the light can absorb or reflect the different wavelengths. There are many different facets to a reflection: so many different sides and possibilities. A mirrored image only tells a half-truth, and unless closely observed, a lot of those truths can escape, trickling off into their own lies of oblivion.

Looking in a mirror shows things that might otherwise not be seen. It shows what's behind, to the side and directly in front, but it doesn't show what's underneath. Looking into the surface of a lake however, shows a whole new world of possibilities. While that which is behind, above, around and in front can be seen, there is always a realm of possibilities that lie beneath.

And that, is the way Fuji has always been.

He will show what he needs to, and what he thinks others might like to see, never once thinking that it might be nice to actually be himself. His true nature is something I don't think many people could deal with, because he's more multifaceted than any dimension of a reflection, because his own is always a mirror of himself.

It may not make much sense, but that is what Fuji is like. It's the way he's adopted that gives him the best possible advantage in any given situation. I can't help but think it'll ruin him in the end if he doesn't let anyone reach out and break through the murky waters. I'd be willing to break through them if he'd just clear the stones he has set on the bottom as a safety net.

Despite everything we've shared, and all we know about each other, he still hasn't let me in. Oh, he's let me know how to react around him so that we avoid any discomfort. I know the things he needs and the things he is okay with. What I really want to know though, is him. I'm trying, but I can only do so much on my own, and he definitely doesn't take well to criticism.

I saw that in the way he diverted my attention last night, and yet, who was I to argue. It was a diversion both of us needed. When his lips touch mine and my hands touch his skin, I feel like something's enveloping me. Almost like a haze, it just creeps and holds and won't let go. Sometimes the feeling almost scares me, and I'm not sure what to do.

I know he's awake now, moving around so silently as he tries not to wake me up. I've come to know him so well that I don't need to see him to feel the waves of confusion washing over him, like those tiny waves lap at the lake's shore. My eyes remain closed to give him the illusion that he needs right now, because who am I to take that level of security away from him.

Do I know him as well as I think I do? I doubt it, and definitely not as well as I want to know him, but I can bide my time, if only he'll let me be patient.

Getting up and making my way to the window as I hear the front door slam, I look through the blinds to see him head down the path. He'll avoid me today; I know this for a certainty. It's simply the way he is, and I've come to accept that. He needs time to deal, just as I do too. There are things that need to be said, and others we need to do, each on his own, each for himself.

I, for one, need to go to the hospital. There are things I haven't told him yet, things I don't know if I can ever when I am sure of what they are. I'm not sure how he'll react, but then, I'm not sure how I will.

The water is calm, and I can see what he wants me to see. For the most part that's fine, and yet, there's just one thing I'm afraid of. If I ever do something to set him off, that reflection will break and those murky waters will rise.

I just hope I can swim well enough not to get sucked under.

~~**~~

OMG, he screamed at me tonight because I've been neglecting him! Oops!

Hope you liked it! Feedback lurved!


	12. Essence

**Title**: Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Essence

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: PGish  
**Genre**: Introspective…

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Twelth sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place during Smile Chapter 42/43  
**Summary**: Tez's mind throughout the course of Smile…

**Warning**: Nothing really… just SmileTezness and angst and shit…

**Other Mind: Essence**

There was a time when the event of an eclipse made people run in fear. There was a time when these were seen as phenomenon and not just a fact of what must occur once enough time passes. It goes without saying that objects rotating in circles with different celerity will eventually have to pass another, and in doing so; one will be bound to slightly obscure the other.

In some instances it's the moon from which the suns rays are blocked, and at other times it is a part of the earth that will receive a brief twilight not otherwise foreseen. All in all it is a fact of nature that one will sometimes impede the effectiveness of the other, because there no logical way for it not to.

Lunar, solar and binary eclipses, take your pick. In essence they are all simply the obscuring of one celestial body by another's shadow. But that often isn't enough. Humans seek explanations for things that they don't understand, and strive to complicate matters much more than they ever should be.

In its essence an eclipse is a simple thing. In fact, it is something that's been compounded by the humans who observe it.

Fuji compounds everything one can think about him. I knew he wouldn't take news of me leaving well, and so I found it hard to tell him before telling everyone else. Seeing the look on his face, I do wish I'd told him before, but after that one brief glimpse of his feelings, everything else was closed to me.

There are parts to him that he hides. He hides those parts so well that I don't think even he knows they are there, and I certainly don't think he'd want other people to know either.

With that smile, he becomes that which every person likes to see. He becomes the way a teenager should be. No cares, no worries, just a smiling and happy face that very few people more than glance at.

I didn't realise how far I've pushed him, nor how attached he's become to me. At the same time that it makes me happy, it scares me too. It wasn't until we were in my room that I realised something was more than wrong. His eyes, and his smile were too forced, too fake.

Those kisses almost robbed me of my senses and his hand, their touch, the feel of his skin; none of that helped matters any at all. His very nature is potent, like a mixture of poison I can't help but drink, and I don't think he realises this or he wouldn't have acted the way he did.

I had to stop him, but gods it was hard. I'm not one for fantasies and I rarely remember my dreams, but I can't deny that I've though it over once or twice. As he is so fond of reminding me – I am a teenager and teenagers have hormones, however much I might like to deny it. The look on his face when I pushed him away made my resolve easier.

It's a look I'd never wanted to see directed my way. That calculating, vengeful look almost burning with intensity, stares up at me now, and I wish I'd stopped him sooner.

I never meant to hurt him; I've never wanted that. I'm human though, despite what people may think, and as I look at him now while that resentment starts to melt away, I can see the true Fuji underneath again.

Right here I realise just what his essence is. It's pain. Deep to the core, bound in his soul, etched in his face: pain.

And right now I could kick myself for bringing it to the surface again.

~~**~~

There we go, another Tez insight!!!

Hope you enjoyed it. Feedback lurved!


	13. Refraction

**Title**: Smile Sidefic … Other Mind - Refraction

**Author**: Arithion  
**Rating**: PGish  
**Genre**: Introspective…

**Pairing**: Tez/Fuji

**Chapter**: Thirteenth sidefic/drabble to smile… Takes place during Smile Chapter 44  
**Summary**: Tez's mind throughout the course of Smile…

**Warning**: Um… kinda the argument and it's aftermath

**Other Mind: Refraction**

Light is refracted towards the normal if it passes into a dense medium and away from the normal if it passes into a less dense medium. The light, once entering the different medium is called an incident ray, whereas when the ray is bent it is called a refracted ray.

Rays of light have a way of dancing across a mirrored surface and making people pause. This is because they've been attracted by the rainbows of colours that dance across their vision, or else they've been blinded by the light reflected back at them.

The speed with which the refracted light will travel is directly related to its optical density. The thicker the density the more normal it becomes; the thinner the density, the harder it is to be judged by a norm.

Just as it is hard to judge a ray of light, so is it hard to judge Fuji when he really doesn't want you to know.

It's strange, because I wouldn't let myself get to this stage with anyone else. He tends to bring out the best in me, and at the same time the worst. My buttons seem to be labelled for him, and he knows just how to push me and prod me into exactly the position he wants me to be in.

Not that I can't do the same thing myself on occasion, but that's not the point. Usually, every word he says will be carefully thought out. He never makes a move without knowing the consequences, and always knows exactly what he can expect from any given situation. Not like Inui, and not like anyone else I've known, but he does it in his own way.

Those eyes are sharp, and there are times I think I have to watch myself for cuts, should I look too close. His words sting and his expression starts to close. It's something I thought we'd moved away from, but then, I suppose the circumstances have made him wary.

I can play ball as good as the next person, and in some cases, I'd be willing to admit I probably play better. But when words are the ball game, Fuji has most people beat. Sometimes I wonder how he finds himself underneath all the innuendo and hidden meaning.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to pull him out.

It's not hard to remember why, although it would often be easier not to. Still, the things he says to me, the smile that covers his face; it feels like we've lost all the ground we'd gained.

When he smiles I know that I've lost this round. I don't think it was ever potentially mine to begin with. His jabs don't hurt. I'd have to be far too sensitive to be as close to him as I am and still let them affect me.

What does hurt though, is the way he leaves the room. The closing of that door feels final, like the shattering of a mirror into a million tiny pieces. I'm almost afraid to move for fear of cutting myself.

I watch him go and he doesn't look back, not that I expected him to, but the want was there. Although I know this isn't all me, I do realise that I've pushed him away without meaning to. There are few things I cannot take in stride, and despite what he's come to mean to me, this will be one of them.

In a couple of hours I'll be at school, and this afternoon I will play Echizen whether he likes it or not. Before then however, I will make it up to Fuji the only way I know how, and that is to be the density that refracts him.

~~**~~

Yay, well that was another drabble!

Hope you liked it! Feedback LURVED!


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